..since youve been gone...
[info]kaywettlin
 its been three years.
since I got that call that you had passed away.
three years since a hole was kicked through my chest.
since i could not stand..breathe..comprehend.. believe understand the news
sometimes you just repeat the same things over and over to try and make things less real
like really... 3 years..
wait.
 i can't remember.. 4 has it been 4 years?
my heart.. i ..cant breathe.. help.. remind me..
wait.
no
shut up
 no no I dont want to remember.. that.

that pain..

i dont want it.. stay far from me...
is that what this is... a numbing..
ouch...  i dont feel the pain..
i dont feel the pain..
i can't feel my heart...
I cant feel anything..


late
[info]kaywettlin
 its too late

baby you've shown up far far too late// the music has ended the bottles are dry and the drunks are stumbling home. you must have gotten caught up and distracted on the way because this thing is long gone, and its ended. feel free, take a look around, and lick the booze off the rim of the guilt fingerprinted glasses perhaps you'll get a taste, perhaps even a buzz....

if you want music you'll have to hum all the mixed-matched melodies- hope thats enough to get your toes-a-tappin.

you can try again tomorrow night, its sure to be a ball, but all thats left here tonight is the janitor and the drunken bartender, all thats left here is the memories of how amazing tonight was, and the realization that you missed it.  a high five for tryin' though, and a beer on me next time.. but tonight.. you missed it. I just moved from L.A. to be at this place.. this place..for this night.. ya know..the one you were late for. How could you miss it? How could you assume that showing up now is going to make your night, anyones night any better?

oh.

oh miss.. I must be mistaken. your here for.. for..THAT.... yea.. of course... i thought'd youd show up.. took you long enough... no no don't worry about the cover, you've spent enough time out here.. go in.. sit down.. 

 

it's never too late.


pulse.
[info]kaywettlin
sick sad and sorrowful

thats how I'm feeling
 but You, You are
freeing refreshing faithful
a consistent comforter comforting all of these weak, weary woes
that are overpowering this exausted exterior.
keep coming keep cleaning keep constructing. keep. keep me
stretching seeking singing so so loud with my quiet quiet voice- to You- you who holds
 
this beating broken bleeding heart..but it still beats

oh trust.. it stil beats.

to the rythym in the blood stream as the prints of my fingers can't wash you off.. can't get you out.. pump pump through my veins.. pump pump.. through and to.. all of me.

healing.. all of me..
forgiving all of me.. saving..

all of me.

Right Where You Want Me.
[info]kaywettlin

 
sometimes you get lost.
and while you are drunk-sick-stumbling around in that dark room forest, you slip trip and fall face down.
face down.
words pour from your lips, tears pour from your eyes, blood drips from your busted knees.
you know where you are, you know who you are, you just became so unfamiliar- became so comfortable, became so neutral.
stagnant
stale.
like Jacob- I won't let go, gripped tightly I'm not going till you bless me. I'm not stopping till Your Unshakeable, blinding, purely deafaning voice speaks.
speak.
until clearly, clarity, consistantly, comforting, consumes every part of me.. I'll just stay where I am.. I'm setting up camp.
As thirsty as I am, I will wait, as weary as I am I will wait.. for You.. You alone know where I'm going and what the heck I'm doing.
fix it. change it. make it Yours. make it make sense and make me who I am to be.

..yea..

Heads or tails
[info]kaywettlin
one foot in front of the other.. is it easier to believe.. there is a purpose for those steps OR is it .just. a meaningless movement forward.
is it easier to believe in nothing, that fathom the idea that something- or someone loves and /or has a plan for us?
is religion a guilt trip giving safety net or brainwashing? or is atheism a free space guilt free safety net and brainwashing??

If you have a God or god or idea to trust-rely-depend-console- (whatever) you, or keep you in check..or make you feel worth something- or a part of something bigger and greater than your own life its kinna like - you should listen to/ obey what He/she/thebook or Book says to do, not because you HAVE to, but because you WANT to. 

If you don't have a God or god or idea to trust-rely-depend-console- (whatever) you, or keep you in check..or make you feel worth something- or a part of something bigger and greater than your own life its kinna like - you can do whatever you want, cause there is no standard or guilt trip set in your mind - not an immoral behavior- just a different take on things you feel a He/she/book or Book shouldn't dictate. 

On one side there are people books facts and documentaries on why one should believe in God, or a god, or Buddah or who/whatever..

On the other there are people books facts and documentaries on why one should NOT believe in God, or a god, Buddah or who/whatever. 

Both sides have their ignorant uninformed knuckleheads that screw it up for everyone else.
Both sides have their well informed scholars and individuals that have made it real to themselves 

Both sides are reading man written information- and choosing to follow it based on their own decisions.
man & woman. are both flawed. how do you really know?

really?

You make the decision on your own.. bottle up your preferences, life lessons and trials, and you put them on the scale. Weighing the facts with what you believe as truth. 



The Bible says "I AM (guarantee) the way the truth and the life "...
An agnostic/atheist/polytheist have a take on it - How do you REALLY know- that you've got it right. you snotty Buddhist the Hindu, the Christian or "christian" 

To the religious: How DO you know.
To the Atheist: How do you know there isn't?


The long list of "do's and don'ts or OR ELSE!" Is exaughisted and wavering, dependent on preference and lifestyle. Might as well live life, love others, recycle and be a doctor- if it's just about "staying positive" I can do that... and get tanked on the weekends without any regret-

If those " secret sins" are sooooo sooo bad...and your God, or god or whatever is so forgiving and gracious.. why is there so much corruption in your "body of believers?"... I don't know. It's been brought up the whole.. no god/God no morality.. but is THAT accurate? .. I... don't know.

Heads/Tails: The answers to these questions lie in the fact that God is sovereign, and we do not need to figure it out. Its not about us, and Gods grace is enough to bring you back to where you first were, its deep enough to drown all fear, and wide enough to wash away all sin and doubt. NO ONE is perfect, everyone has their own battles. No one has the right to judge. If I'm right- we get to experience life and end up in the arms of the love that carried us all this way.

Heads/Tails: The answers to these questions may be found in a book or documentary, it is insightful to try and figure it out. One specific god/God idea may not be accurate, but why not chase all forms of faith and try to figure out what works for you. Take love from one, and peace from another, and build your own walk of life. Grace and forgiveness still exists on the most humane of levels. You are not here to judge, you know right from wrong. If I'm right-go forth experience life, and see where we end up, in the arms of chance.

Is it THAT wrong or difficult to believe that we were created, and are living for a purpose? That there is someone who loves us beyond all comprehension?

Are you THAT naive to believe ONE God/god/whoever/whatever really cares for you or has your best interest at heart?

I am not really sure where this came from. and i don't really have an answer to any of these questions.. 

I guess what I'm getting at.. is.. whatever you believe. Believe it. Live it. DO it.
***
I am not a scholar or theologian, I do not have a large collection of leather bound books on faith and religion. (I actually dislike reading to the highest degree) Im just a girl.. with questions like anyone else.. with doubts just like anyone else.

For the first time in a long time, I am interested in trying to re-answer each of the questions above... I know the "sunday school answer" and I see the Agnostic point of view as well.

I dunnoe.. maybe this will spark some good conversation.. I'm in

tag people you think might have something to say.
 

in love.
[info]kaywettlin
I think it is so beautiful how you carry yourself with such arrogance. You have this way about you that just beams "I'm #1" and that is so attractive.

the way you drop so much money at bars, and wear your super expensive accesories, OMG. it just makes me want to get to know you so much more. 

My favorite is when you leave me looking for you,  then text me drunk. ya know? Its sooo hilarious that YOU don't remember a thing.. ya know I remember.. everything.

your arrogance and irresponsibility. 
you're an adult. grow up. 
your not 16. hold your liquor
no, you didnt get any...






Newly noticed
[info]kaywettlin

Some of the most attractive people I have met have a heart for God, the things I am most attracted to is how a man prays, and worships his creator.. It makes sense though. God is love- and love is a beautiful beautiful thing. Once you grab hold and expierence the love He has for us... It's almost impossible to not let his light shine in and through us! The ladies that God has strategically placed in my lfe that saturate themselves with the things of God you can tell just by meeting them... And hey are both physically and spiritually beautiful- their love for God makes them breathtaking. I mean we all take our "myspace posed facebook" pictures but to be honest it's what's in their hearts and what is beaming and pouring through their bones that makes me envy their hearts for God. Not their make up or vintage tees ... It encourages me to dig deeper and chase the things of God... To find the innermost contentment in His pourpose and his plan for me! He makes all things new and all things beautiful.. Even me... In my Jesse up thinking. Only now I realize why I study and study the photos of my God seeking friends...

Thinking it was comparing myself to them physically, but I reAlize it was me.. Trying to figure out what it is that makes them shine... And it's God. No doubt about it. These girls... And guys... Are endlessly beautiful. Find d God , you'll find that beAuty.


Photobynateyaro

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Studio
[info]kaywettlin

I feel like I'm screaming in a studio but You are on the other side of this glass wall. Siting at the soundboard watching the levels house of yellow red and green.. From where I am .. I see me.. Standing in my messy studio. My plans maps music ands lyrics spread across the floor from one corner to the other. As you control the levels. As I'm off tune scatter brained and way of key wondering what is going on. You control the levels. As chaos goes on behind these mirrored walls surrounding me and sufficating me a soft sound sneaks it's way into my headphones .. Not a noise not a voice a peace.
More like a sweet soft kiss... Reminding me that you haven't forsaken me.. In ever panic and note flaw that I make You control the levels. Feeling like you aren't real or that you aren't there- or feeling like you don't care that this is all a pathetic attempt to become this "perfect being" or to somehow have an answer for everything...makes sense with that peace comes through my headphones. I don't know everything I don't need to know anything all I need is to remember the previous tracks we've recorded and the albums completed this far. This mess of a track we just laid.... Might not make the top 40 charts -- but it's okay I'll save it on the ole itunes libraryand listen to it when I forget that You control the levels.

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